This must be what they call a “quarter-life crisis”. I have all the symptoms….I self-diagnose of course. The heart palpitations before work. The tremors of a thousand should-have’s and shouldn’t haves. Mental fatigue as the aftermath of repetitive administrative tasks. And the vivid nightmares of reoccurring Mondays, only to wake up and find out it really is another Monday!!
I have constant day-dreams of breathing in fresh air, taking in the beams of sun-rays unseparated by walls or glass and freely letting my toes touch the soft blades of grass. I can only use my imagination as there are no windows in my office.
I constantly feel as if my head is in the clouds, grasping for something I cannot reach.
This is my Monday to Friday. This is my nine-to-five.
One evening, I was indulging in a series of YouTube videos as I have grown accustomed to doing every evening after work as a way of mental escapism. I was going through a series of videos, and one of them was a GaryVee video interview. The video got me re-motivated to starting an online business. I got up off my bed, missioned myself to the computer— only to feel a sudden draining of motivation, enthusiasm, and ambition.
I started to remember how incompetent I am. A tide of unwanted emotions started to flow in— lethargy, self-doubt, exhaustion, and depression.
I am not sure what is going on. It seems so abnormal to feel this mentally and emotionally tired over a job. I often hear of people feeling this way mid-way through their lives and careers, but not this early on.
Most people seem to get on with life—pay their dues at work from Monday to Friday and live for the weekends for 45 years until retirement. And make the best of it.
Somehow, I know this is not for me, but the hard part is not knowing what is for me.
I constantly feel incompetent at work. I fret and have anxiety before work. Sometimes, in my office, I am in tears. I wipe my face off before clients walk in or before my manager passes by to ask if I reached my daily sales goal.
I am grateful for the job I have, do not get me wrong. I just feel as something wrong by me being there because I feel as if I cannot do it. But, what is it that I can do?
This is not me just being hard on myself. I see the disappointment in my managers when they realize my competency is not what they expected. I often skip my lunch in order to get done what is expected of me (and still manage not to get most things done).
Have you ever felt this way? If so, how did/ are you dealing with it?
“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2: 3