Clarity in Anger and An Empty Room

I am starring at this mountain. The feat required to climb this obstructive mammoth will require willpower, fortitude and discipline. From all angles, it is jagged and cumbersome. The only way past it is through it. And so, I climb.

This is rather a dramatic analogy to cleaning my room and I do not apologize for the comparison.

I have struggled with organization in my life as an adult. It seems, my mind cannot keep up with the chaos of maintenance. It feels like I am staring at a mountain with a horizon so high into the clouds, and realizing I have to get up one step at a time.

One step.

Only to realize I am walking backwards.

Inspiring for some, overwhelming for others. I was the latter.

I have struggled with organization in my life as an adult.

I have started to accept this notion that subtraction is foundation.

It sounds like an overly philosophical approach to cleaning one’s room. In essence, I have taken an minimalist approach in life. But in practical terms, I rid myself and my space of everything that is not essential to my well being.

I think I have decluttered over 50 percent of what I used to own and it feels so freeing. I have not looked back. In fact, this is considerable knowing I did not own a lot to begin with.

If you have followed my previous posts, I suffer from a cluttered mind. I cannot seem to see past my feet and it has reaped irreversible consequences in my life. It is often painful to think about.

The first step I have taken is to always make sure my room is clean. This idea was cemented after learning about Jordan Peterson’s Rules for Life; Clean your Room.

It felt like no matter what my day is like, no matter how lost I felt, how jaded my mindset, if only I could come back to a clean space, maybe that would be enough.

I still struggled with keeping a clutter free room. It is not that I had too many things. I just did not know why things were there. Until, I started to learn about the concept of essentialism.

Before being introduced to the concept, I used to have this weird habit of tossing things out when I was angry and ruthlessly decluttering my physical space.

Anger was and is a frustrating feeling, but simultaneously freeing.

Frustrating because there is something in the way, and I feel powerless. But freeing, because it gave me more clarity of things I did not care about. Things that did not matter. Did. Not. Matter. I talked about this in abstract in my last post.

Something about anger brought about a process of cleansing, really in a practical way. I tossed out everything in my way. I would rid myself of things I had hoped to pursue but did not. I am not sentimental when I am angry….or rather I am only concerned about the necessary.

I tossed out everything in my way

I still do not know what I want; it’s hazy and opaque. But, with crystal clarity, I know what I do not want. So, I start from the place of subtraction. A via negativa approach.

Having clarity, is like realizing that I do not want to climb that particular mountain, I do not care what is at the top of it. I still have to pass it, so I will walk around it and find something else.

Que in minimalism. Instead of waiting for anger, I take a more proactive approach. Why not eradicate distraction, clutter and sentimentalism in a tangible way.

I look at stripping away the unimportant, rather than learning to maintain chaos.

This ongoing decluttering process has helped my room stay clean.

This seems like a rather trivial or even juvenile accomplishment for an adult, in fact, it is. But, it is also my story as mundane as it is.

There is a point that subtraction can become addictive, a coping mechanism to overwhelm.

At this time, I will not attempt to derive a greater meaning to this than just having a clean space that I can come to at the end of my day.

When it becomes the only thing

I seldom write. I am unmoved.

But when a light gust of wind knocks me down bracing me to the dirt that once shifted beneath my feet, I become anchored to the ground. Unable to get up.

Still gasping for air. Feeling every sharp inhale. Exhaling shards of glass. Writing becomes the only thing.

It is in this solace of desperation truth becomes comfort and solitude becomes a fortress.

I once heard ‘obsession’ imagined as “being in a ditch and having bullets shooting at you from all angles. You want to get out, but you do not know where they are coming from”. I am not obsessed, but this is what it must feel like.

I do not know when I see more clearly; when I am on the ground seeing every crevice and crack, feeling every stone and deep edge in the trenches or when I am standing upright with my head fully immersed in the powdered clouds ignorant of myself and my place in the world.

This state of being is where I have lodge my temporary home. This is where I write.

Otto Regular

Too young to be feeling this tired….

This must be what they call a “quarter-life crisis”.  I have all the symptoms….I self-diagnose of course. The heart palpitations before work. The tremors of a thousand should-have’s and shouldn’t haves.  Mental fatigue as the aftermath of repetitive administrative tasks.   And the vivid nightmares of reoccurring Mondays, only to wake up and find out it really is another Monday!! 

I have constant day-dreams of breathing in fresh air, taking in the beams of sun-rays unseparated by walls or glass and freely letting my toes touch the soft blades of grass.  I can only use my imagination as there are no windows in my office. 

I constantly feel as if my head is in the clouds, grasping for something I cannot reach. 

This is my Monday to Friday. This is my nine-to-five. 

One evening, I was indulging in a series of YouTube videos as I have grown accustomed to doing every evening after work as a way of mental escapism. I was going through a series of videos, and one of them was a GaryVee video interview. The video got me re-motivated to starting an online business. I got up off my bed, missioned myself to the computer— only to feel a sudden draining of motivation, enthusiasm, and ambition. 

I started to remember how incompetent I am. A tide of unwanted emotions started to flow in— lethargy, self-doubt, exhaustion, and depression. 

I am not sure what is going on. It seems so abnormal to feel this mentally and emotionally tired over a job. I often hear of people feeling this way mid-way through their lives and careers, but not this early on. 

Most people seem to get on with life—pay their dues at work from Monday to Friday and live for the weekends for 45 years until retirement. And make the best of it. 

Somehow, I know this is not for me, but the hard part is not knowing what is for me. 

I constantly feel incompetent at work. I fret and have anxiety before work. Sometimes, in my office, I am in tears. I wipe my face off before clients walk in or before my manager passes by to ask if I reached my daily sales goal.  

I am grateful for the job I have, do not get me wrong. I just feel as something wrong by me being there because I feel as if I cannot do it. But, what is it that I can do? 

This is not me just being hard on myself. I see the disappointment in my managers when they realize my competency is not what they expected. I often skip my lunch in order to get done what is expected of me (and still manage not to get most things done). 

Have you ever felt this way? If so, how did/ are you dealing with it? 

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2: 3

 

Otto Regular