Clarity in Anger and An Empty Room

I am starring at this mountain. The feat required to climb this obstructive mammoth will require willpower, fortitude and discipline. From all angles, it is jagged and cumbersome. The only way past it is through it. And so, I climb.

This is rather a dramatic analogy to cleaning my room and I do not apologize for the comparison.

I have struggled with organization in my life as an adult. It seems, my mind cannot keep up with the chaos of maintenance. It feels like I am staring at a mountain with a horizon so high into the clouds, and realizing I have to get up one step at a time.

One step.

Only to realize I am walking backwards.

Inspiring for some, overwhelming for others. I was the latter.

I have struggled with organization in my life as an adult.

I have started to accept this notion that subtraction is foundation.

It sounds like an overly philosophical approach to cleaning one’s room. In essence, I have taken an minimalist approach in life. But in practical terms, I rid myself and my space of everything that is not essential to my well being.

I think I have decluttered over 50 percent of what I used to own and it feels so freeing. I have not looked back. In fact, this is considerable knowing I did not own a lot to begin with.

If you have followed my previous posts, I suffer from a cluttered mind. I cannot seem to see past my feet and it has reaped irreversible consequences in my life. It is often painful to think about.

The first step I have taken is to always make sure my room is clean. This idea was cemented after learning about Jordan Peterson’s Rules for Life; Clean your Room.

It felt like no matter what my day is like, no matter how lost I felt, how jaded my mindset, if only I could come back to a clean space, maybe that would be enough.

I still struggled with keeping a clutter free room. It is not that I had too many things. I just did not know why things were there. Until, I started to learn about the concept of essentialism.

Before being introduced to the concept, I used to have this weird habit of tossing things out when I was angry and ruthlessly decluttering my physical space.

Anger was and is a frustrating feeling, but simultaneously freeing.

Frustrating because there is something in the way, and I feel powerless. But freeing, because it gave me more clarity of things I did not care about. Things that did not matter. Did. Not. Matter. I talked about this in abstract in my last post.

Something about anger brought about a process of cleansing, really in a practical way. I tossed out everything in my way. I would rid myself of things I had hoped to pursue but did not. I am not sentimental when I am angry….or rather I am only concerned about the necessary.

I tossed out everything in my way

I still do not know what I want; it’s hazy and opaque. But, with crystal clarity, I know what I do not want. So, I start from the place of subtraction. A via negativa approach.

Having clarity, is like realizing that I do not want to climb that particular mountain, I do not care what is at the top of it. I still have to pass it, so I will walk around it and find something else.

Que in minimalism. Instead of waiting for anger, I take a more proactive approach. Why not eradicate distraction, clutter and sentimentalism in a tangible way.

I look at stripping away the unimportant, rather than learning to maintain chaos.

This ongoing decluttering process has helped my room stay clean.

This seems like a rather trivial or even juvenile accomplishment for an adult, in fact, it is. But, it is also my story as mundane as it is.

There is a point that subtraction can become addictive, a coping mechanism to overwhelm.

At this time, I will not attempt to derive a greater meaning to this than just having a clean space that I can come to at the end of my day.

When it becomes the only thing

I seldom write. I am unmoved.

But when a light gust of wind knocks me down bracing me to the dirt that once shifted beneath my feet, I become anchored to the ground. Unable to get up.

Still gasping for air. Feeling every sharp inhale. Exhaling shards of glass. Writing becomes the only thing.

It is in this solace of desperation truth becomes comfort and solitude becomes a fortress.

I once heard ‘obsession’ imagined as “being in a ditch and having bullets shooting at you from all angles. You want to get out, but you do not know where they are coming from”. I am not obsessed, but this is what it must feel like.

I do not know when I see more clearly; when I am on the ground seeing every crevice and crack, feeling every stone and deep edge in the trenches or when I am standing upright with my head fully immersed in the powdered clouds ignorant of myself and my place in the world.

This state of being is where I have lodge my temporary home. This is where I write.

Otto Regular

Sharing Half baked Thoughts and Diving Deep.

When I start writing, I usually do not know the purpose of what I am about to write will be.  All I know is that there is something in the innermost part of me that wants to understand and communicate. I have this profound inclination to simply write, express and share.

What stops me from sharing is that my thoughts are often always half-baked. I feel as if when I write something, it should be a report of how I have accomplished something and how you can too.

I am on a journey. I know nothing, except for the fact that I know nothing,  As I am on this journey to self-discovery or self-creation, I have been watching YouTube videos, and reading articles that give advice on self-actualization. But, for me, a lot of what I read and the advice that is given does not reach home. It does not move me, and therefore, it does not change me nor advance me.

It is not that the advice given is not true. It may motivate me at the moment, but I get lost on how I pragmatize this into my life in a real and sustainable way. I am not sure how to internalize it so that I understand it at a transformational level.

Writing this out, I realize that for me, the purpose of this blog is not to provide a how-to, it is not to motivate, it is not even to educate. I write for the sake of expression and share for the sake of connection.

Each post may not provide closure or a life lesson, but it is a space of reflection, that maybe we can start sharing deep nuanced insights that mean something.

In my daily life, I do not feel a sense of connection to people. Understandably people position themselves and postulate. There is nothing wrong with this, but it can leave a gap in the human experience. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be understood. Whether someone is an introvert or extrovert they want to feel connected.  When a gap is left empty something else fills it in, like mental health issues and addictions.

Social media is a way for humanity to have conversations with itself.

~Yung Pueblo

Writing this has brought something to mind. In my previous posts, I articulated the same feeling. I had not meant to publish the article, these were just my raw, unpolished thoughts. In the comments, I received advice that “We suffer from this at different levels, because we all seek to be validated and acknowledged for our existence. Ultimately your self-worth comes from you.”.

I knew this was true. But, at the time this did not fully resonate because I did not know how this advice could be practicalized. My mind was clouded from understanding this on a cellular level. But as the clouds are lifting I am beginning to learn.  I can never feel connected until I validate and acknowledge myself.

In a practical way, acknowledging myself means writing and sharing without having a clear purpose. It is having faith that what I do in direct response to my internal compass is enough. Dysfunction happens when someone is not aligned with themselves. I cannot waste time hoping that others will get it. It does not have to make sense to anyone else, but me. It is what artists do with a paintbrush, and musicians do with music and it is what I do with words. 

How do you acknowledge yourself in a real way?

These are my thoughts. Until next time…….

A Drifting Mirage

I do not know about you, but often times (a lot of times) throughout the day, I find myself day-dreaming—especially when I am at work.  I do not fully grasp my thoughts, but they come….and they go.  At that moment,  I am out of touch with reality (like one foot off the ground). And in the next moment, I am grounded in reality,  I can only remember what is and where I am. What was so vivid, suddenly becomes faint.  

 

a drifting mirage

a drifting mirage catches the glimpse of my eye

faintly it escapes and delicately disappears into the breeze 

 

softly it goes on by 

in mists down in parts,

 

only in sprinkles can my thoughts commit 

speckles and shimmer, as light glazes in  

 

in remembrance of what was 

what cannot be

what might have been

 

glancing into the distance 

a mirage turns into a haze

a picture  into a mosaic

a thought into a blur 

 

as the horizon melts, 

a dance, between the light and fog, 

turns into mist

 

a drifting figure

a drifting memory

a drifting mirage 

 

Otto Regular

 

Music: Air-Johann Sebastian 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too young to be feeling this tired….

This must be what they call a “quarter-life crisis”.  I have all the symptoms….I self-diagnose of course. The heart palpitations before work. The tremors of a thousand should-have’s and shouldn’t haves.  Mental fatigue as the aftermath of repetitive administrative tasks.   And the vivid nightmares of reoccurring Mondays, only to wake up and find out it really is another Monday!! 

I have constant day-dreams of breathing in fresh air, taking in the beams of sun-rays unseparated by walls or glass and freely letting my toes touch the soft blades of grass.  I can only use my imagination as there are no windows in my office. 

I constantly feel as if my head is in the clouds, grasping for something I cannot reach. 

This is my Monday to Friday. This is my nine-to-five. 

One evening, I was indulging in a series of YouTube videos as I have grown accustomed to doing every evening after work as a way of mental escapism. I was going through a series of videos, and one of them was a GaryVee video interview. The video got me re-motivated to starting an online business. I got up off my bed, missioned myself to the computer— only to feel a sudden draining of motivation, enthusiasm, and ambition. 

I started to remember how incompetent I am. A tide of unwanted emotions started to flow in— lethargy, self-doubt, exhaustion, and depression. 

I am not sure what is going on. It seems so abnormal to feel this mentally and emotionally tired over a job. I often hear of people feeling this way mid-way through their lives and careers, but not this early on. 

Most people seem to get on with life—pay their dues at work from Monday to Friday and live for the weekends for 45 years until retirement. And make the best of it. 

Somehow, I know this is not for me, but the hard part is not knowing what is for me. 

I constantly feel incompetent at work. I fret and have anxiety before work. Sometimes, in my office, I am in tears. I wipe my face off before clients walk in or before my manager passes by to ask if I reached my daily sales goal.  

I am grateful for the job I have, do not get me wrong. I just feel as something wrong by me being there because I feel as if I cannot do it. But, what is it that I can do? 

This is not me just being hard on myself. I see the disappointment in my managers when they realize my competency is not what they expected. I often skip my lunch in order to get done what is expected of me (and still manage not to get most things done). 

Have you ever felt this way? If so, how did/ are you dealing with it? 

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2: 3

 

Otto Regular

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benevolent Skies

Benevolent skies endow the night with treasures unearthed

Only exposed in the depth of the night

Jewels are revealed in glimmers

Draping the skyline

The legacy of eons, reacting in its core;

Radiant, gleaming and warm.

The universe’s exploits are treasures for the eyes.

 

This piece feels quite unfinished and rather unpolished but in the spirit of vulnerability, here is my very first writing. 

 

Malaika