I have nothing to write

I have nothing to write,

but my fingers want to type.

I have nothing to say,

but my lips want to move.

I have nothing to think about

but my mind wants to ponder.

I have nothing to make,

but my hands want to create. 

 

Such are these moments when a heavy fog of thoughts fill my mind, but grasping and making them tangible is only a desire.  

Strange, at times, I think I like the physical act of typing more than the process of writing itself.  Sometimes I just want to write, even if it makes no sense.

What do you like about writing? What is your favourite part of the process? 

 

A Drifting Mirage

I do not know about you, but often times (a lot of times) throughout the day, I find myself day-dreaming—especially when I am at work.  I do not fully grasp my thoughts, but they come….and they go.  At that moment,  I am out of touch with reality (like one foot off the ground). And in the next moment, I am grounded in reality,  I can only remember what is and where I am. What was so vivid, suddenly becomes faint.  

 

a drifting mirage

a drifting mirage catches the glimpse of my eye

faintly it escapes and delicately disappears into the breeze 

 

softly it goes on by 

in mists down in parts,

 

only in sprinkles can my thoughts commit 

speckles and shimmer, as light glazes in  

 

in remembrance of what was 

what cannot be

what might have been

 

glancing into the distance 

a mirage turns into a haze

a picture  into a mosaic

a thought into a blur 

 

as the horizon melts, 

a dance, between the light and fog, 

turns into mist

 

a drifting figure

a drifting memory

a drifting mirage 

 

Otto Regular

 

Music: Air-Johann Sebastian 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too young to be feeling this tired….

This must be what they call a “quarter-life crisis”.  I have all the symptoms….I self-diagnose of course. The heart palpitations before work. The tremors of a thousand should-have’s and shouldn’t haves.  Mental fatigue as the aftermath of repetitive administrative tasks.   And the vivid nightmares of reoccurring Mondays, only to wake up and find out it really is another Monday!! 

I have constant day-dreams of breathing in fresh air, taking in the beams of sun-rays unseparated by walls or glass and freely letting my toes touch the soft blades of grass.  I can only use my imagination as there are no windows in my office. 

I constantly feel as if my head is in the clouds, grasping for something I cannot reach. 

This is my Monday to Friday. This is my nine-to-five. 

One evening, I was indulging in a series of YouTube videos as I have grown accustomed to doing every evening after work as a way of mental escapism. I was going through a series of videos, and one of them was a GaryVee video interview. The video got me re-motivated to starting an online business. I got up off my bed, missioned myself to the computer— only to feel a sudden draining of motivation, enthusiasm, and ambition. 

I started to remember how incompetent I am. A tide of unwanted emotions started to flow in— lethargy, self-doubt, exhaustion, and depression. 

I am not sure what is going on. It seems so abnormal to feel this mentally and emotionally tired over a job. I often hear of people feeling this way mid-way through their lives and careers, but not this early on. 

Most people seem to get on with life—pay their dues at work from Monday to Friday and live for the weekends for 45 years until retirement. And make the best of it. 

Somehow, I know this is not for me, but the hard part is not knowing what is for me. 

I constantly feel incompetent at work. I fret and have anxiety before work. Sometimes, in my office, I am in tears. I wipe my face off before clients walk in or before my manager passes by to ask if I reached my daily sales goal.  

I am grateful for the job I have, do not get me wrong. I just feel as something wrong by me being there because I feel as if I cannot do it. But, what is it that I can do? 

This is not me just being hard on myself. I see the disappointment in my managers when they realize my competency is not what they expected. I often skip my lunch in order to get done what is expected of me (and still manage not to get most things done). 

Have you ever felt this way? If so, how did/ are you dealing with it? 

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2: 3

 

Otto Regular

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If its art, it is not for all| 3 Quote Challenge

This is the 3 Day of the challenge. I want to thank msykmak once more for nominating for the 3 Quotes Challenge. Check out her blog. 

“If it is art, it is not for all, 

and if its for all, its not art” 

—Arnold Schoenberg 

Would you say the same about life?  “Your life, it is not for everyone and if it is for everyone, it is not your life”. 

 

Rules: 

1.Thank the person who nominated you 

2.Post a quote for 3 consecutive days (if you can) 

3.Nominate 3 bloggers 

 

I nominate anyone who would like to do the 3 Quote Challenge.

 

Thank you for reading, 

Otto Regular

The Silence Between| 3 Quotes Challenge

The  2nd day of the 3 Quotes Challenge. 

The music is not in the notes,
but in the silence between.”

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

In the silence, in the pauses of our lives, is when our subconscious searches deeper within. It is then that going through the motions of life can turn into a purposeful existence.

By stepping back, by reflecting, by making time to be alone in quietness, noise becomes meaningful music, chaos turns into sweet melodies, loneliness turns into a beautiful solo piece,  random experiences become crucial chords and confusion develops into a stunning symphony.

 

Mark 1: 35 

 

I nominate anyone who is interested in participating in the 3 Quotes Challenge.

 

Image source: Pexels

The Medium is the Message| 3 Quotes Challenge

Thank you msykmak for nominating me for the 3 Quotes Challenge. 

My chosen quote is…

One of the most important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone. 

Shannon L. Alder

I just started blogging a few weeks ago. Before then, I never followed blogs, I never read blogs. 

Since starting this “writing adventure”, I have realized something special about the process of writing, specifically blogging.

Writing is both a revelatory and therapeutic experience. Don’t you think so? 

Revelatory in a sense that the process of writing reveals a lot about yourself to yourself.  It requires you to remove the fluff clouding your thoughts so you can get to the core of what you want to say or how you feel.  Like an archeologist, you have to dig through the dirt in order to find what has been long buried. In a sense, it’s self-discovery. 

Therapeutic as it is a form of expression. It allows you to both externalize and internalizes your thoughts and feelings to a more creative form.  It gives you a more nuanced perspective. 

The fact that blogging is both revelatory and therapeutic is exactly the reason I have been finding myself at odds. It feels rather selfish blogging, especially when I notice I have been using a lot of personal pronouns in my writing. “I, I, me, me”. Then I stop.

And then I start again. I realize that is the point of blogging. I often find myself feeling alone, but when I read a blog or writing from someone about their experiences, I somehow feel less alone. I also begin to understand the writer’s experience. I become a more empathetic person to those around me. 

I had a friend tell me something I have never forgotten: “Everyone wants to be understood”.  

Often people are depressed because they feel alone. It is not hardship in itself that pains people, it is the feeling of being alone, but the feeling of not being understood. It is what isolates people into their own melancholy.  

When I think about it. Movies are a form of escapism. An opportunity to tap out of reality and experience something different from your everyday life. Most times (not all times) when you read, you are looking to connect or understand.  Maybe with blogging, the “median is the message”-Marshall McLuhan.

Sharing experiences through avenues such as blogging lets people know they are not alone. And that is one of the most important things anyone can do. 

What do you think? 

 

Otto Regular

______________________________________

The Rule Book: 

1.Thank the person who nominated you 

2.Post a quote for 3 consecutive days 

3.Nominate 3 bloggers 

I nominate… authoronablog

Benevolent Skies

Benevolent skies endow the night with treasures unearthed

Only exposed in the depth of the night

Jewels are revealed in glimmers

Draping the skyline

The legacy of eons, reacting in its core;

Radiant, gleaming and warm.

The universe’s exploits are treasures for the eyes.

 

This piece feels quite unfinished and rather unpolished but in the spirit of vulnerability, here is my very first writing. 

 

Malaika

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forging my own path,treading my own trail.

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“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have never truly admited it, nor fully realized my own desires, but I have always imagined myself living an extraodinary life. One divergent from the assumed motions of life—working a job I dislike in order to pay bills, and debt. Dreading Mondays and counting down the days until Friday.  Wishing I were somewhere else. All for the occassional perks of dental benefits and two week paid holiday.

I had rather imagined myself living a different sort of life—one filled with adventure and great love. Not to say that a “normal” life and job is not ideal or filled with its own pleasures, but I suppose I am a hopeless romantic in every sense.

Most of my thoughts are filled with daydreams and fantasies of what could be. I am an adult woman, but in my mind maybe I am still be a child out of touch with reality.

It was a reality check when after graduating University, I had to take a job at a bank in my home town in order to pay off my school debt. I saw the months turn into a year, then a year and a half. My fear was that this would be the next 5 or 10 years of my life.

“Do not go where the path may lead…” Words so poignant they unmask a truth about myself revealing itself to me. My desires have never matched my character or actions.

I had extraordinary desires for my life, yet a less than impressive work ethic, an ungodly lack of discipline, questionable faith and overall an unmotivated character. I have never been true to who I am meant to be.

I belive there is a sense of maturity about this I have been growing in. At the same time, I belive that God created me with these heart desires. Fighting this would be fighting myself and God—I would feel as I do now…a fish out of its element. It is time for me to swim.

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
    come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
    and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
    and you will delight in the richest of fare.

Isaiah 55: 1-2

In order to live a fulfilling life, we have to remove the assumptions of who we are and who we have to be. We have to step into God’s light and become the highest version of ourselves in Christ and that is unique who we have been created to be.

Any life can be extraordinary.  You only  have to be willing to get and give the most out of it each and every day. An extraordinary mother, an extraordinary husband, an extraordinary son, an extraordinary worker, an extraordinary giver, an extraordinary listner…

My commitment to myself from now on is to give it my all. To do only the things worth doing and to do them 110% to the best of my capacity at the time. And to only “tread my own path and leave a trail”.

I am just an ordinary girl, trying to live an extraodinary life.

Malaika

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe its time I become myself…

 

cropped-girl-3.jpg

Do I start with a contemplative quote, a heart jarring lyrical verse, a revelatory scripture from the Bible, or do I try to be witty to garner your attention?

These were my thoughts as I was getting ready to write this post.  But, I have tossed away any ambitions of composing an ornate intro.  Rather, I will start with my simple, yet true thoughts…

I am Malaika King—just call me Malaika—- and this is my very first blog post.

As I am now 25, I am facing some internal and external challenges I need to overcome— some new, most of them old.

When it comes to my internal challenges, the question is not where do I start—it is where do they end? 

I take the risk of sounding cliche, but I have been struggling with depression, ADHD, anxiety and the feeling of incompetency.

At the end of everyday, there is this nagging and persistent thought always tapping on my shoulder—that I am not the woman that God has ordained me to be.  In fact, not a day has passed when I do not feel subpar and incompetent. I can only describe it as a constant feeling of thorough dissapointment in myself.

If a week goes by without me having an internal melt-down or pouring out in tears, I consider that a victory. It pains me to think that I am sleeping, crying, and throwing away my life. 

As long as I can remember, I have been running away from myself. Now, I do not even know who I am.  Maybe its time I renew my mind and become myself. 

 

Cue in the quotes after all….

“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world–because you realize there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on”

I have been stuck for so long…too long. This is where I turn the page and a new chapter begins. 

I will be writing and sharing my thoughts, experiences, and lessons through posts, poems, and photography (well…”iOS photography” for now—-good old iphone).

My journey is about being a woman after God’s own heart. About becoming my most authentic self. About living a beautiful, giving, joyful, and full life. My journey to becoming Malaika begins here…

Lord, you have examined me
    and know all about me.
You know when I sit down and when I get up.
    You know my thoughts before I think them.
You know where I go and where I lie down.
    You know everything I do.
Lord, even before I say a word,
    you already know it.
You are all around me—in front and in back—
    and have put your hand on me.
Your knowledge is amazing to me;
    it is more than I can understand.

Psalm 139: 1-6

I would love to hear your thoughts….are you starting a new chapter of your life too?