Creating a sense of wonder

Sleeping— Masking— Working and mostly chilling.

That has been 2020 and this year so far.

Over a year has passed. And restrictions have tightened.

For me, this pandemic has not changed much of my life. Subtract the masks and I have been living this life even before COVID.

I used to say “once I pay off my debt, I will….”, “when I move out, I will…”

I had precursors to living, and many of them legitimate. But prolonging desires took away a precious asset. Time.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life

Proverbs 13: 12

I am no stranger to deferring things into the distant future, but the pandemic has added a sense of unease in waiting. Especially since the limitations have been externally imposed.

If there is one lesson I have taken from all this, it is that time waits for no one.

It is independent of the pandemic and pays not attention to wishful thoughts.

I have a lot of mental curiosity, but it often goes unexpressed.

One thing that has been missing in my life since childhood is a sense of adventure.

Physical safety is still a priority, but waiting is no longer an option.

I have to do what I can, when I can, where I can.

The pandemic poses certain limitations. But hey, isn’t that the condition that creativity thrives in?

But, out of limitations comes creativity

Debbie Allen

My goal is to create a sense of wonder, and try new things everyday.

For the next 30 days, I will do just that.

Safety is still key and I will observe the health and safety guidelines.

From building a ginger bread house in the spring to starting a new project, I am open to possibility.

These will be small things I do everyday. But, it will make each day special.

I am not sure if I should share this journey, for fear of falling short. But, in the spirit of adventure, here it goes.

The Challenge starts April 20th, 2021 until May 20th, 2021.

Do you have any interesting challenge ideas? What things are you doing to keep yourself engaged during the pandemic?

What should this challenge be called?

Well, I do not have a stylish or elegant way of ending this blog, so, until next time…

Malaika

A drifting mirage

I do not know about you, but oftentimes (a lot of times) throughout the day, I find myself day-dreaming——-especially when I am at work.  I do not fully grasp my thoughts.  At that moment,  I am out of touch with reality (like one foot off the ground). In the next moment, I remember what is and I am grounded back to reality.  But what is reality? The passing moments or the unmanifested dreams? At that moment does not matter? 

 

A drifting mirage

A drifting mirage catches the glimpse of my eye

Faintly it escapes and softly it goes on by.

Into the breeze disappearing delicately

First lingering then evaporating vehemently.

Only in sprinkles can my thoughts commit

Taking on only what it will permit.

Speckles, shimmers, glazes of light

Only in the mist do my dreams recite.

Blurred visions of what is and what is not

A delicate dance between light and erratic thought.

Treading lightly before the vision escapes

Unrealized truth becomes obscure intangible shapes.

Nearly palatable, yet dissipating

In broad strokes the mind is painting.

The unseen

Is foreseen.

The horizon melts

Long-held desires felt.

A mirage drifting

A moment shifting.

The mosaic turns to glass

In remembrance of another moment past.

 

[accompanying instrumental ] 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sharing Half baked Thoughts and Diving Deep.

When I start writing, I usually do not know the purpose of what I am about to write will be.  All I know is that there is something in the innermost part of me that wants to understand and communicate. I have this profound inclination to simply write, express and share.

What stops me from sharing is that my thoughts are often always half-baked. I feel as if when I write something, it should be a report of how I have accomplished something and how you can too.

I am on a journey. I know nothing, except for the fact that I know nothing,  As I am on this journey to self-discovery or self-creation, I have been watching YouTube videos, and reading articles that give advice on self-actualization. But, for me, a lot of what I read and the advice that is given does not reach home. It does not move me, and therefore, it does not change me nor advance me.

It is not that the advice given is not true. It may motivate me at the moment, but I get lost on how I pragmatize this into my life in a real and sustainable way. I am not sure how to internalize it so that I understand it at a transformational level.

Writing this out, I realize that for me, the purpose of this blog is not to provide a how-to, it is not to motivate, it is not even to educate. I write for the sake of expression and share for the sake of connection.

Each post may not provide closure or a life lesson, but it is a space of reflection, that maybe we can start sharing deep nuanced insights that mean something.

In my daily life, I do not feel a sense of connection to people. Understandably people position themselves and postulate. There is nothing wrong with this, but it can leave a gap in the human experience. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be understood. Whether someone is an introvert or extrovert they want to feel connected.  When a gap is left empty something else fills it in, like mental health issues and addictions.

Social media is a way for humanity to have conversations with itself.

~Yung Pueblo

Writing this has brought something to mind. In my previous posts, I articulated the same feeling. I had not meant to publish the article, these were just my raw, unpolished thoughts. In the comments, I received advice that “We suffer from this at different levels, because we all seek to be validated and acknowledged for our existence. Ultimately your self-worth comes from you.”.

I knew this was true. But, at the time this did not fully resonate because I did not know how this advice could be practicalized. My mind was clouded from understanding this on a cellular level. But as the clouds are lifting I am beginning to learn.  I can never feel connected until I validate and acknowledge myself.

In a practical way, acknowledging myself means writing and sharing without having a clear purpose. It is having faith that what I do in direct response to my internal compass is enough. Dysfunction happens when someone is not aligned with themselves. I cannot waste time hoping that others will get it. It does not have to make sense to anyone else, but me. It is what artists do with a paintbrush, and musicians do with music and it is what I do with words. 

How do you acknowledge yourself in a real way?

These are my thoughts. Until next time…….

But its not abstract

I had the urge to paint.

A while ago I bought this cheap paint pallet from my local dollar store. You know, the kind of paint that is like chalk in its dry form, and comes with a paintbrush like plastic wires.

You have to add water to it for the paint to be usable. And the paint brush does not absorb the paint, it only carries droplets of colour to your canvas.

Part of the reason I got it was that my sensibility advised me that it was less messy than other types of liquid paints. The other reason, was that nostalgia insisted.

This paint reminded me of my childhood, when I used to thoroughly enjoy painting. This paint would come attached with a colouring book.

When we were new to Canada, we received donations from our Church. Some of the donations included fun supplies and toys, like colouring books.

I remember this paint would come attached to a colouring book. I do not think I ever used the colouring book. Instead,  I would cut up a cardboard box from an empty cereal box and use the reverse side of the cut up pieces to paint. Painting was bliss.

I probably could paint for hours. I lost that desire to paint a long time ago. I was discouraged from painting because I would make a mess. Plus, it was not really a productive way of spending my time; it was not a marketable skill, as I was advised. I lost my desire for painting.

So when I passed through the paint isle at Dollarama, I could not resist.

I knew one day, I may want to paint again.

I moved away from home (for school) and brought the unopened paint with me. The paint pallet had been sitting in my suitcase for a couple of weeks. Waiting for me to be inspired.

These last few days I have been going though quite a bit emotionally. My mind just felt blurred.

So, today, I decided I wanted to paint. I put on some chill music and just ran my paint brush through the page. It was my way of expressing how I felt in my mind: the blurriness, the lack of mental focus, the lack of clarity.

I probably only painted anywhere between fifteen to twenty minutes. I just started feel anxious and good not focus long enough to do it for much longer.

But, I am glad I did it. I just painted how I felt. I used only blue and white.  It came out as an abstract piece. Actually, to call it abstract would be giving too much credibility to my artistic ability.

Probably too unimaginative to call it abstract art, but too thoughtful to be considered scribbles.

For the longest time, I never had a way to express to myself the way I feel, besides to cry or develop negative eating habits. Then I recently started writing.

Writing is great, but it felt so good to paint again.

I had the urge to paint. After that, I had the urge to write this.

How do you express yourself? #HowIExpress