Creating a sense of wonder

Sleeping— Masking— Working and mostly chilling.

That has been 2020 and this year so far.

Over a year has passed. And restrictions have tightened.

For me, this pandemic has not changed much of my life. Subtract the masks and I have been living this life even before COVID.

I used to say “once I pay off my debt, I will….”, “when I move out, I will…”

I had precursors to living, and many of them legitimate. But prolonging desires took away a precious asset. Time.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life

Proverbs 13: 12

I am no stranger to deferring things into the distant future, but the pandemic has added a sense of unease in waiting. Especially since the limitations have been externally imposed.

If there is one lesson I have taken from all this, it is that time waits for no one.

It is independent of the pandemic and pays not attention to wishful thoughts.

I have a lot of mental curiosity, but it often goes unexpressed.

One thing that has been missing in my life since childhood is a sense of adventure.

Physical safety is still a priority, but waiting is no longer an option.

I have to do what I can, when I can, where I can.

The pandemic poses certain limitations. But hey, isn’t that the condition that creativity thrives in?

But, out of limitations comes creativity

Debbie Allen

My goal is to create a sense of wonder, and try new things everyday.

For the next 30 days, I will do just that.

Safety is still key and I will observe the health and safety guidelines.

From building a ginger bread house in the spring to starting a new project, I am open to possibility.

These will be small things I do everyday. But, it will make each day special.

I am not sure if I should share this journey, for fear of falling short. But, in the spirit of adventure, here it goes.

The Challenge starts April 20th, 2021 until May 20th, 2021.

Do you have any interesting challenge ideas? What things are you doing to keep yourself engaged during the pandemic?

What should this challenge be called?

Well, I do not have a stylish or elegant way of ending this blog, so, until next time…

Malaika

When it becomes the only thing

I seldom write. I am unmoved.

But when a light gust of wind knocks me down bracing me to the dirt that once shifted beneath my feet, I become anchored to the ground. Unable to get up.

Still gasping for air. Feeling every sharp inhale. Exhaling shards of glass. Writing becomes the only thing.

It is in this solace of desperation truth becomes comfort and solitude becomes a fortress.

I once heard ‘obsession’ imagined as “being in a ditch and having bullets shooting at you from all angles. You want to get out, but you do not know where they are coming from”. I am not obsessed, but this is what it must feel like.

I do not know when I see more clearly; when I am on the ground seeing every crevice and crack, feeling every stone and deep edge in the trenches or when I am standing upright with my head fully immersed in the powdered clouds ignorant of myself and my place in the world.

This state of being is where I have lodge my temporary home. This is where I write.

Otto Regular

A drifting mirage

I do not know about you, but oftentimes (a lot of times) throughout the day, I find myself day-dreaming——-especially when I am at work.  I do not fully grasp my thoughts.  At that moment,  I am out of touch with reality (like one foot off the ground). In the next moment, I remember what is and I am grounded back to reality.  But what is reality? The passing moments or the unmanifested dreams? At that moment does not matter? 

 

A drifting mirage

A drifting mirage catches the glimpse of my eye

Faintly it escapes and softly it goes on by.

Into the breeze disappearing delicately

First lingering then evaporating vehemently.

Only in sprinkles can my thoughts commit

Taking on only what it will permit.

Speckles, shimmers, glazes of light

Only in the mist do my dreams recite.

Blurred visions of what is and what is not

A delicate dance between light and erratic thought.

Treading lightly before the vision escapes

Unrealized truth becomes obscure intangible shapes.

Nearly palatable, yet dissipating

In broad strokes the mind is painting.

The unseen

Is foreseen.

The horizon melts

Long-held desires felt.

A mirage drifting

A moment shifting.

The mosaic turns to glass

In remembrance of another moment past.

 

[accompanying instrumental ] 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sharing Half baked Thoughts and Diving Deep.

When I start writing, I usually do not know the purpose of what I am about to write will be.  All I know is that there is something in the innermost part of me that wants to understand and communicate. I have this profound inclination to simply write, express and share.

What stops me from sharing is that my thoughts are often always half-baked. I feel as if when I write something, it should be a report of how I have accomplished something and how you can too.

I am on a journey. I know nothing, except for the fact that I know nothing,  As I am on this journey to self-discovery or self-creation, I have been watching YouTube videos, and reading articles that give advice on self-actualization. But, for me, a lot of what I read and the advice that is given does not reach home. It does not move me, and therefore, it does not change me nor advance me.

It is not that the advice given is not true. It may motivate me at the moment, but I get lost on how I pragmatize this into my life in a real and sustainable way. I am not sure how to internalize it so that I understand it at a transformational level.

Writing this out, I realize that for me, the purpose of this blog is not to provide a how-to, it is not to motivate, it is not even to educate. I write for the sake of expression and share for the sake of connection.

Each post may not provide closure or a life lesson, but it is a space of reflection, that maybe we can start sharing deep nuanced insights that mean something.

In my daily life, I do not feel a sense of connection to people. Understandably people position themselves and postulate. There is nothing wrong with this, but it can leave a gap in the human experience. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be understood. Whether someone is an introvert or extrovert they want to feel connected.  When a gap is left empty something else fills it in, like mental health issues and addictions.

Social media is a way for humanity to have conversations with itself.

~Yung Pueblo

Writing this has brought something to mind. In my previous posts, I articulated the same feeling. I had not meant to publish the article, these were just my raw, unpolished thoughts. In the comments, I received advice that “We suffer from this at different levels, because we all seek to be validated and acknowledged for our existence. Ultimately your self-worth comes from you.”.

I knew this was true. But, at the time this did not fully resonate because I did not know how this advice could be practicalized. My mind was clouded from understanding this on a cellular level. But as the clouds are lifting I am beginning to learn.  I can never feel connected until I validate and acknowledge myself.

In a practical way, acknowledging myself means writing and sharing without having a clear purpose. It is having faith that what I do in direct response to my internal compass is enough. Dysfunction happens when someone is not aligned with themselves. I cannot waste time hoping that others will get it. It does not have to make sense to anyone else, but me. It is what artists do with a paintbrush, and musicians do with music and it is what I do with words. 

How do you acknowledge yourself in a real way?

These are my thoughts. Until next time…….

Maybe its time I become myself…

 

cropped-girl-3.jpg

Do I start with a contemplative quote, a heart jarring lyrical verse, a revelatory scripture from the Bible, or do I try to be witty to garner your attention?

These were my thoughts as I was getting ready to write this post.  But, I have tossed away any ambitions of composing an ornate intro.  Rather, I will start with my simple, yet true thoughts…

I am Malaika King—just call me Malaika—- and this is my very first blog post.

As I am now 25, I am facing some internal and external challenges I need to overcome— some new, most of them old.

When it comes to my internal challenges, the question is not where do I start—it is where do they end? 

I take the risk of sounding cliche, but I have been struggling with depression, ADHD, anxiety and the feeling of incompetency.

At the end of everyday, there is this nagging and persistent thought always tapping on my shoulder—that I am not the woman that God has ordained me to be.  In fact, not a day has passed when I do not feel subpar and incompetent. I can only describe it as a constant feeling of thorough dissapointment in myself.

If a week goes by without me having an internal melt-down or pouring out in tears, I consider that a victory. It pains me to think that I am sleeping, crying, and throwing away my life. 

As long as I can remember, I have been running away from myself. Now, I do not even know who I am.  Maybe its time I renew my mind and become myself. 

 

Cue in the quotes after all….

“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world–because you realize there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on”

I have been stuck for so long…too long. This is where I turn the page and a new chapter begins. 

I will be writing and sharing my thoughts, experiences, and lessons through posts, poems, and photography (well…”iOS photography” for now—-good old iphone).

My journey is about being a woman after God’s own heart. About becoming my most authentic self. About living a beautiful, giving, joyful, and full life. My journey to becoming Malaika begins here…

Lord, you have examined me
    and know all about me.
You know when I sit down and when I get up.
    You know my thoughts before I think them.
You know where I go and where I lie down.
    You know everything I do.
Lord, even before I say a word,
    you already know it.
You are all around me—in front and in back—
    and have put your hand on me.
Your knowledge is amazing to me;
    it is more than I can understand.

Psalm 139: 1-6

I would love to hear your thoughts….are you starting a new chapter of your life too?