Sharing Half baked Thoughts and Diving Deep.

When I start writing, I usually do not know the purpose of what I am about to write will be.  All I know is that there is something in the innermost part of me that wants to understand and communicate. I have this profound inclination to simply write, express and share.

What stops me from sharing is that my thoughts are often always half-baked. I feel as if when I write something, it should be a report of how I have accomplished something and how you can too.

I am on a journey. I know nothing, except for the fact that I know nothing,  As I am on this journey to self-discovery or self-creation, I have been watching YouTube videos, and reading articles that give advice on self-actualization. But, for me, a lot of what I read and the advice that is given does not reach home. It does not move me, and therefore, it does not change me nor advance me.

It is not that the advice given is not true. It may motivate me at the moment, but I get lost on how I pragmatize this into my life in a real and sustainable way. I am not sure how to internalize it so that I understand it at a transformational level.

Writing this out, I realize that for me, the purpose of this blog is not to provide a how-to, it is not to motivate, it is not even to educate. I write for the sake of expression and share for the sake of connection.

Each post may not provide closure or a life lesson, but it is a space of reflection, that maybe we can start sharing deep nuanced insights that mean something.

In my daily life, I do not feel a sense of connection to people. Understandably people position themselves and postulate. There is nothing wrong with this, but it can leave a gap in the human experience. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be understood. Whether someone is an introvert or extrovert they want to feel connected.  When a gap is left empty something else fills it in, like mental health issues and addictions.

Social media is a way for humanity to have conversations with itself.

~Yung Pueblo

Writing this has brought something to mind. In my previous posts, I articulated the same feeling. I had not meant to publish the article, these were just my raw, unpolished thoughts. In the comments, I received advice that “We suffer from this at different levels, because we all seek to be validated and acknowledged for our existence. Ultimately your self-worth comes from you.”.

I knew this was true. But, at the time this did not fully resonate because I did not know how this advice could be practicalized. My mind was clouded from understanding this on a cellular level. But as the clouds are lifting I am beginning to learn.  I can never feel connected until I validate and acknowledge myself.

In a practical way, acknowledging myself means writing and sharing without having a clear purpose. It is having faith that what I do in direct response to my internal compass is enough. Dysfunction happens when someone is not aligned with themselves. I cannot waste time hoping that others will get it. It does not have to make sense to anyone else, but me. It is what artists do with a paintbrush, and musicians do with music and it is what I do with words. 

How do you acknowledge yourself in a real way?

These are my thoughts. Until next time…….

But its not abstract

I had the urge to paint.

A while ago I bought this cheap paint pallet from my local dollar store. You know, the kind of paint that is like chalk in its dry form, and comes with a paintbrush like plastic wires.

You have to add water to it for the paint to be usable. And the paint brush does not absorb the paint, it only carries droplets of colour to your canvas.

Part of the reason I got it was that my sensibility advised me that it was less messy than other types of liquid paints. The other reason, was that nostalgia insisted.

This paint reminded me of my childhood, when I used to thoroughly enjoy painting. This paint would come attached with a colouring book.

When we were new to Canada, we received donations from our Church. Some of the donations included fun supplies and toys, like colouring books.

I remember this paint would come attached to a colouring book. I do not think I ever used the colouring book. Instead,  I would cut up a cardboard box from an empty cereal box and use the reverse side of the cut up pieces to paint. Painting was bliss.

I probably could paint for hours. I lost that desire to paint a long time ago. I was discouraged from painting because I would make a mess. Plus, it was not really a productive way of spending my time; it was not a marketable skill, as I was advised. I lost my desire for painting.

So when I passed through the paint isle at Dollarama, I could not resist.

I knew one day, I may want to paint again.

I moved away from home (for school) and brought the unopened paint with me. The paint pallet had been sitting in my suitcase for a couple of weeks. Waiting for me to be inspired.

These last few days I have been going though quite a bit emotionally. My mind just felt blurred.

So, today, I decided I wanted to paint. I put on some chill music and just ran my paint brush through the page. It was my way of expressing how I felt in my mind: the blurriness, the lack of mental focus, the lack of clarity.

I probably only painted anywhere between fifteen to twenty minutes. I just started feel anxious and good not focus long enough to do it for much longer.

But, I am glad I did it. I just painted how I felt. I used only blue and white.  It came out as an abstract piece. Actually, to call it abstract would be giving too much credibility to my artistic ability.

Probably too unimaginative to call it abstract art, but too thoughtful to be considered scribbles.

For the longest time, I never had a way to express to myself the way I feel, besides to cry or develop negative eating habits. Then I recently started writing.

Writing is great, but it felt so good to paint again.

I had the urge to paint. After that, I had the urge to write this.

How do you express yourself? #HowIExpress